Good friends who know me, and not so good friends who don't, all at least know a single inalienable fact about me. I am completely and utterly against the institution of marriage, for reasons of farce, inauthenticity and lack of credibility. Marriage fails. Marriage as an institution, in my opinion, fails to protect the individual from anything other than the ridicule of having technically gone to bed with a single person for an entire lifetime (sorry, that's not necessarily a bad thing, just not biologically normal for homo sapiens). Marriage is a cage that allows one to see the outside world for all that it is, while giving the false sense of security that one is safe in the confines of a relationship to which cage one has the key.
OK - so I'm done about talking about marriage the way I usually talk about it. Generally, the only person who doesn't see my commitment phobic point of view is my mother.
However, today, interestingly enough, Grey's Anatomy Season One (of all things) changed my mind about some things.
This episode has Derek (the primary male who has a relationship with the primary female) contemplating signing divorce papers with his wife whom he'd walked out on after coming across her having an affair with his best friend. Aforementioned Derek has had a relationship with Meredith (primarily female character) to whom he loves but isn't married to. And Derek says something very interesting to Meredith. He goes, "Look, I've been married 11 years. That's 11 Thanksgiving's, 11 birthdays, 11 Christmas's. Addison's (the wife) family. And with one signature on a bunch of papers I'm supposed to end my family, just like that? So all I'm asking for is a little understanding here."
Later afterward, Meredith's mother ends up telling her, "He's going to stay. He doesn't love his wife, but at the end of the day, he's going to stay with her."
Suddenly it got me thinking that the truth about marriage is that we were wrong all along. It's not about love. It's not about a couple declaring undying love for each other, man and wife, in the presence of God, the family, the friends, the everybody-you-know including the next door neighbour's dog. People do that every day without getting married. They hold hands when they walk along the streets. They kiss on bridges over rivers. They give each other secret smiles when they think no one's looking.
Obviously, marriage is more than that. It's obligation. It's the one thing, the only thing, that turns a complete stranger into a next of kin, into family. It gets you through doors, across countries, into the hearts, homes and lives of people that you would otherwise not know in the full capacity of life except through making a commitment, signing an oath, saying a vow that you're going to stick with this person till death do you part. It turns someone you love, into someone that becomes like a brother, a sister, a parent.
I've always wondered what makes marriage so untouchable when divorce exists. People can get together, people can always break up. No big deal. The adage goes that blood is thicker than water. I know at the end of the day, my family aren't people I like best in the world. That's the truth for most people, whether we care to admit it or not. We don't choose our family. But I know that regardless of memories I have of fighting with family, screaming at them, wanting to tear their hair out sometimes in frustration of something either intensely trivial or casually serious, they're like an inalienable fact, as obvious, recognized and in-your-face as the fact that we share the same name.
So what is marriage? It's your single one get-out-of-jail-free card that you choose to give to anybody you want in the world. It's the only family member in your life that you get to choose. I now understand why some men have multiple wives, and why each wife considers another like a sister. I now know why some people stick with their spouses even though the love has gone colder than a cup of coffee left on the windowsill in winter.
It's obligation. It's mutual adoption.
Suddenly, despite divorce, I now have a newfound respect for the institution of marriage. While previously I used to reject the notion personally out of disdain, suddenly I do so out of fear. Probably isn't going to cure my chronic commitment phobia, but at least now I have a darn good reason why.
2 comments:
it's true what you said about family (those you can't choose). but my heart's not as big as yours. there is no "end of the day" reconciliation compassion. but guess who we hurt along the process? mums and dads probably.
i still don't understand multiple wives though. multiple sex partners, that i understand. multiple adoptions? haha....that's very bradgelina hahahaha.
Probably because I have so few, and perhaps also because of my star sign, I love the idea of family. My heart is an open, walk-in and welcome room... until people become annoying that is!
As for the multiple wives, I guess it's in the simple recognition that no single person makes up the whole organization. People have different skills. The sum of differences is greater than its parts, I guess, as management speak goes. So if I were a husband choosing wives, I'd want to have one for the shopping, another for the accounting, another one for cleaning and another for cooking. heehee... And would probably love them all equally... in fractions.
Post a Comment