This Patience is hard-won and long-lived

I have no idea what about You bring out this patience in Me. I'm usually not a patient person, and you do and say many many things to test my patience, but somehow, my long fuse seems to grow ever longer. One day when I die, they're going to dig up my heart and find all that diffused frustration somewhere.

Honestly, I can't stand you talking about your ex-girlfriend. Not just any ex, but a particular ex that logically should still rile me. Any idiot in the right frame of mind would be pissed. You keep her picture on your wall, and her birthdate in various permutations form passwords, logins and identities you still keep to this day. I don't even know when you both actually broke up, or if you meet, or if she still lives in a very special place in your heart. Uncertainty should kill.

And so - was in a fuming, raging, quiet blue flame type of mood singing Tori Amos in the shower when I got back. Understandable. Understandable.

In the shower I thought about it for a while more. (Therein lies the difference - I feel as though I owe it to you to think about it for a while more, and that is always what stops me from flying off the handle.)

Unknown to you are so many things too, so many things that you may probably never know. Like how there is always going to be one person whom I would leave for, at the drop of a hat, if he turned around, called me and asked to get together. Like how although I don't bother to keep in touch with my ex'es, if they called for help, I would probably still answer. Like how my passwords still revolve around a combination of my birthdates and one of my ex's. Like how some of his passwords still have my name in them probably.

Are we ever never in love with sentimentality? I attribute this to laziness. Laziness to try for something new, to take that plunge each and every time, and know to yourself that you are going to give it your all, and never look back. I'm not talking just about relationships. You obviously don't feel for something anymore, but you still keep old trappings, just because of laziness. Like the dust of books I used to read collecting around my shelves.

I would throw everything away in a heartbeat, but where would I be without myself?