Incredibly Nice Memories of Living Away from Home

So I went downstairs for a walk in my shorts, t-shirt and sweater, hoping beyond hope that it could have been cooler. Thought about a couple of things.

First, the incredibly nice memory of living away from home. Nobody (at home) knew about this much (except my room mate then, who had to put up with all my quirks - and I have got a lot!) but anyway, in the middle of the night during exam time, I would put on my running gear and go jogging in the Melbourne cemetery alone. Yes, at 2am in the morning. It was usually during winter, when the chill air wakes you up in time for another cycle of studying in the dead of the night. Sometimes D-, a friend then, would join me, and we would both sit in the sofa or something, watch 300 MTVs countdown to the top 10 on weekends, and chat until sunrise.

Pour moi, that was la dolce vita, the sweet enjoyment of sunrise over coffee, staying up late, chatting with friends, jogging in a crisp and calm winter's night. It's funny what you take for granted and what you miss when you're home away from home.

The second thought I had was around someone asking me if I was envious of enuwy for being in London, where I wish I would be. Funny, the person I'd expected to have asked me that didn't (but then again, he probably knew that I was feeling a bit itchy for some travel again...) and the person I'd have expected to have the hidden agenda for me to stay, ironically did. I didn't know what to say. Perhaps it wasn't really envy, since I knew I could jolly well do that myself if I'd really wanted, but the truth is, I haven't really figured out yet the dynamics of being Asian in Asia. It's an amazing dynamic, filled with many interesting complexities of feeling like you should be at home, but half-hearted about missing things overseas that shaped my life as I was growing up and experiencing them.

Here's some of the incredibly nice memories I have of living away from home...

1. Out partying in Leeds and Manchester, singing with (rather drunk) friends along the streets and stumbling home the next morning on the early morning train.
2. Sitting on a quiet day in the summer heat sipping a cool glass of iced latte, as the dog in the neighbouring table, a french briard, gives you the hot tongue out as his metrosexual owner chats with his female friends.
3. Staring at the TV screen playing Australian's 300 greatest hits MTVs (some of them you wonder at...) counting down until the sun rises at 8.30am with #1 (usually Kylie Minogue or someone like that) and you crawl into bed with the sun in your eyes and wake up again at 3pm.
4. Chatting with friends over tea in each other's little dorm rooms from 9.30pm in the morning till 7.30am the next day. I don't know why we had so much to talk about, but I do know that our conversations formed friendships that honestly last a lifetime.
5. Plastering the walls with excerpts from 17 different copies of wallpaper*. Yes, my favourites were the absolut and skyye vodka ads.
6. Skating on the frozen university lake in knee high boots on New Year's Day. Apparently if the ice had broken (which it probably was close to doing), I would have had to be rushed to the nearest clinic or hospital (most likely closed on New Year's Day) to have gotten a nice cocktail of antibiotics injected into me because the lake was that toxic. Happy memory #2: I didn't fall in.
7. Singing songs from Les Miserables in duet on the top of Barrows building, the tallest building in university, with the wind in your hair, fresh air in your lungs and a gorgeous view of San Francisco before your eyes. Yes, I think I'll always keep that place sacred for the songs that we were singing and the company that we were with.
8. Dancing in the salsa club with some of the coolest friends you'd ever get to know. We were such a mixed bag and an unlikely bunch... Persian, American, French, Italian, British, Singaporean, Australian, German, Ukrainian, Hongkonger, Canadian Chinese, Swedish Indian, Japanese.
   
   Somehow the bonds we had went beyond the colour of our skin or the countries and cultures that we were from. I never really believed in the connections that you could make across cultures happening for real, despite having been all over the place. Somehow you made me believe all that was possible. Right now, with the mixed marriages that I'm seeing, looking at their faces, blurring the lines between local and foreign, I'm really starting to believe in the magic of people coming together as global citizens. It's really inspiring.
9. Sending postcards to myself of the Travelling Cow, and receiving postcards from places like Turkey and Prague from far away people in far away places. Hearing how friends you have always believed in are in Sierra Leone, Ghana, Turkey, Lebanon and with Peace Corp, JICA, teaching in Shanghai, teaching you that life is meant to be seized with the attitude of carpe diem and small victories.
10. Trying fried chestnut cake for the very first time. It's amazing how little simple pleasures like food can wake up your senses. Even more amazing that for the first time, in a very long time, I've actually tried a new taste, and one that I like. Sure, I can go for new tastes in various forms if I really wanted to be adventurous - like eat escargots, or rocky mountain oysters - but imagine finding out that you like something, actually like something, after having a whole lifetime's worth of experiences that you've set in stone that you like. That simple joy of being able to add one more thing to the list is absolutely to die for.
    
    Oh that said, I'm changing one more thing to the Seven Things meme - I can't believe I missed this one out! It's of course A) getting married in Spain, Zaragoza to be precise, and B) having degustation menu at El Bulli, Ferran Adria's flagship restaurant.

The third thought I had was a song, called (unoriginally) Home:

Home, in the quiet streets by quiet people
Living with the quiet smile upon your face
I never feel like I am near or away
You never make me feel out of place

Home, this is where the darkness lingers
I can feel safe, being miles away from you
By the candlelight, as your smile flickers
There's no other place I would rather be

They say Home is where the heart is
My heart has travelled miles to where
I rest my shoes, my head upon your shoulder
We could be so many places...

Home, different smiles and different faces
The memories pass us by like fading years
In our starburst days, we leave different traces
These are the only legacies of our lives.

They say Home is where the heart is
And my heart has travelled miles, to where
I rest my shoes, my head upon your shoulder
In so many different places...

Friends (Here, There and Everywhere) !!!

Happy post now: I just wanted to say that nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, makes me happier than reuniting with old friends from far away places, and finding out that from the moment you open your mouth to speak (after the gushing and the twinkling eyes stage has passed) - nothing, absolutely nothing, has changed and you're still the old friends that you used to be.

Funny how experiences either bind us or separate us, yet I find that there's nothing more alienating than two people sitting right next to each other, experiencing the same thing in two completely opposite ways and similarly, nothing more binding that two totally different people, in two different parts of the world, with totally separate and different lives, experiencing the same thing in two mirrored places.

Most of my friends are not in the country. It's sad (sometimes) but true.

But sometimes, just sometimes, people happen to drop by, which happened yesterday. So an old colleague from the office in Canada dropped by to Singapore yesterday and we caught up over dinner. Now this is tres cool, since I haven't seen him for years almost, and life is, in the meantime, moving along quite quickly. But same old, same old. We had a heck of a lot of fun, making me almost wish that I could have taken today as leave off to show him around this nice and fancy, rather warm city that I now call him. It's not Toronto, it's not Vancouver, but like I said, few things are as star attractions as are people. Had dinner at the Esplanade's Glutton Bar, which, quite frankly, even for a sorta local (me, yes me) was quite good. They had quite a decent standard of char kway teow, oyster omelette, fishball noodles and fried carrot cake. I love my savoury hawker center goodies.

Today was another pleasant surprise because enuwy (bless her) came online from London and we chatted perhaps about 5 minutes before my laptop battery died. And tomorrow I'm flying off to Hong Kong and have got Kathy's phone number on my mobile, together with a list of places that I'm awfully dying to go to on www.hkclubbing.com. I didn't even get to tell her that I'm meeting KM for dinner tonight - but I reckon if time permits I'll catch up online again. She'll be excited.

All in all, I owe enuwy a bunch of emails, met up with old friends and am awfully excited about HK. It'll be so very good to go back, althoug h I'll be in a different hotel and area this time from my old haunts. It'll be a side of the city that I've never seen before - quite an adventure and no, I don't remember much of my Cantonese so I'll just fumble around and be completely non-local for a change. For once, I won't be expected to be anyone's guide!

Oh yes, and Monsieur G- demands some "typical Chinese sweets or pastry", so I think some lao po bing is in order. I do so miss the egg tarts, lao po bing and bo lo paos. Ahhh... sweet anticipation. *big cheesy grin*

(My new Canon Ixus 55 will be along for the ride, so anticipate some photos from the road coming up, and this time they *will* include the foodie items I ate but didn't photograph the last time...)

Co-Dependency and the Lack Thereof

This post probably would cross some boundaries, but I'm hoping that you don't ever get to read it. And similarly, I'm going to keep this as brief and vague as possible. (Recently have been getting into a blog dry spell. That is when one neither has the time, nor the inclination to write about anything, despite the fact that things keep on happening in your life-not to say that Life really stops when you stop writing...)

OK, back to the story.

Sunday evening. Dinner is served late as usual. I'd had a late brunch thing at about 1030am and skipped lunch. So by 815pm, we were driving around and the first restaurant that we'd gone to (promised to be fabulous) was closed, and we drove around again for something else. 830pm. I'm starting to get desperate. Suggested another place, so we all (finally) unanimously agreed (hard to believe it's so hard to get consensus on a place to go) and drove there. I must have arrived around 835pm. And I was on the phone with you the whole time.

My sister in law made a joke about how coincidentally phone conversations just keep happening when I'm around them. I had to play on the joke and continued saying, "Yeah, you know, whole day I'm waiting for the phone to ring, and just when I'm going to step out of the house, it rings. Murphy's Law." I wasn't lying. It's true. I had been waiting. Truth #1. You had to call. Truth #2. I didn't care if it was in the most inopportune time. Truth #3. Sad, but true.

Anyway, so I finally got to the restaurant when you had to go get some sleep (thank you time difference) and suggested I call you back at around 9pm. I set my alarm. This is strange thing #1 for me to do. But it was exactly 25 minutes more to go and I would have forgotten. Sneak phone under table, key the typical Start > 8 > 9 > 3 that I'm used to, got me to Date/Time settings and I changed my alarm time.

9:00pm exactly. The phone rings. The alarm. The waitress had just started to serve food. It was a tense moment as the rice got placed in front of me. I stepped up from the tatami I was sitting on and got up to make that phone call. You were already awake. I think it was tense. There was no one else in the restaurant except us, and the place was quiet. Silent relief you didn't take too long to answer the phone, the receptionist was intelligent and the phone rang only a few times. You weren't sleeping. Silent relief, silent relief. Call you back later? OK, like when??

Cut to dinner. There was awkward silence when I returned to the table. First of all, it was pretty darn rude, probably one of the rudest things I have ever done, and I have a personal taboo not to interrupt dinners. You know I hate to interrupt dinners. Especially if it is with friends/family, not that I ever eat alone. I mumbled a quick, completely unbelievable excuse, and sat down. Attempted to resume dinner to normal.

And to think that this evening, just-only just, that you and I were talking about me being too dependent on you. I cannot believe how easily you saw through me. I cannot believe that you knew this before I did - this is not me to feel this way, and I hate it that you knew it even before the truth hit me. Obviously, the truth is, I am. The truth is, I've never found myself feeling this way about anyone before, and it scares the hell out of me how much I feel. The truth is, you know it. And it's you that I'm feeling this way about. It's crazy.

I keep telling everyone - "No day but today. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss." I am so much in love with the idea of being in love, I dream about being in love more than I really am, more than I know how to recognise it when it is staring at me, point-blank, in the face. People need to tell me what devotion is. And I've only recognised it, and let it slip, only too many times before. What's this now?

Does Love make you change your habits and your ways overnight? Or is Love a slow and settling truth, one that hits you in a way you cannot deny, only in hindsight when you look back and recollect the number of times you did something nice just because? Is Love that patient and slow affection that is slow to burn, not jealous but kind, not possessive or outraged when you mention an old flame, when I come back late at night? Is Love that slow and lazy affection you feel for an old dog that you've taken care of since he was a puppy, or that yearning fire that engulfs and destroys, when you are not around and my eyes burn?

No, I think Love is both that gentle and radiant fire that burns but does not consume. Love is learning how to let go, and knowing when and how to understand. Love is knowing that although you will miss me, you let me be who I am, you let me go when you know I need to go, even though you will be waiting home at night. Love is patient... it is not jealous. Somehow the phrases you read at someone else's wedding ring out in my ears today like a reminder of what is staring at me in the face.

Somehow I know this is forever. And like a diamond sitting before me, so close yet so far, I am so apprehensive to reach out and touch it. I fear it is not mine to hold for the rest of my life. Yet your eyes when you reach out say something nearly completely different. This is the tension of Love. It is not mine to take, but completely yours to give. If only I could find a way also, to make you take what I'm completely willing to give.

Riddle of the Day!

I came up with this one following a rather thick and heavy discussion with call 1800-swiftkick: we live to deliver - have YOU backed up your work today? (Yes, that's his nick on IM - ask HIM!)

I am finite yet infinite
I shift and change in length, depending on your attitude
I belong to every man and no man
Though all have me, all have not enough of me.

Your answers in the comments field please - and yes, I know the answer. :-)

Meme: Seven Things

This Seven Things meme came from enuwy. Apologies that it's long over-due.

Seven Things You Plan to do before you die:

1. Travel to Turkey, Cyprus, Corsica, Tuscany, Lebanon, Syria, Jerusalem, Brazil, Afghanistan (etc. etc.)
2. Learn to dive (the water kind)
3. Find someone to love and who loves me in that Elizabeth Barrett Browning way
4. Sing mellow jazz in a lounge (somewhere)
5. Re-Learn French or learn Japanese in order to have a decent conversation with a native speaker of either language (this is very much like enuwy, but I think we both have similar mutual friends who are native speakers of either language)
6. Live in Melbourne, Australia (again)
7. Re-learn to play the piano

Seven Things I can do:

1. Make tiramisu
2. Sing
3. Write poetry
4. Draw a circle and a square with my right and left hands simultaneously
5. Go up dizzying heights without feeling sick
6. Work in a hospice without feeling depressed
7. Swallow large pills/medication

Seven Things I say the Most:

1. Oh shit!
2. What?!
3. Right?
4. You know what, -
5. Yeah (... / ??? / !!!)
6. Honestly...
7. And then...?

Seven things I can't do:

1. Live alone
2. Cry (very much)
3. Travel at very high speeds (fast cars, go-karting, roller-coasters etc. etc.) without feeling sick
4. Analyse vectors in three-dimensions
5. Eat oysters without gagging
6. Walk down staircases and ladders without feeling nervous
7. Sleep in complete darkness

Seven Things that attract you to the opposite sex:

1. Quirky sense of humor (eg: David Duchovny, Jerry Seinfeld)
2. Intelligence
3. Soft & gentle hands
4. Ability to sing (well)
5. Is well travelled
6. Lean and well toned shoulders
7. Intense eyes

Seven Celebrity Crushes:

1. Jude Law
2. Ryan Philippe
3. Colin Firth
4. Stephen Dorff
5. Ethan Hawke
6. Takeshi Kaneshiro
7. Nicole Kidman (I vote, most beautiful woman in the world...)

Seven People I want to tag:

1. enuwy (although already tagged)
2. Drazick
3. Emen
4. Fe
5. Monsieur Guilbon
6. Kenneth
7. 80hertz

Corrinne May's If You Didn't Love Me

As you well know, I'm seldom impressed by the standard of music artistes in Singapore, but I must say that Corrinne May comes very very close to being globally good. I'm proud of the fact that she's from Singapore and from Berkeley - and has the kind of voice that warms my heart.

If you can find the album, "Fly Away" which is her first, do get it! This is my favourite song -

If You Didn't Love Me - Corrinne May

If every drop of water disappeared from the land
And every drop of ocean suddenly turned to sand
That would all be nothing
Compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me

What if I woke up and couldn't hear a sound
And all that I could see was darkness all around
That would all be nothing
Compared to what I'd feel
If you didn't love me

If I could have the world and all that money could buy
And I could travel far beyond the moon and the sky
If they gave me golden wings, well I still couldn't fly
Without you, nothing would matter

You and I walk beside each other day after day
But there's so much inside me, I never get to say
My life would be so empty with nothing left to feel
If you didn't love me
If you didn't love me...


Thought of the Day: Everybody deserves to find Love. A kind of Love that can sustain them throughout their lives. Find everyday someone or something that makes you thankful for being alive, and you would have learnt to live and love. I have realised that being able to say to someone, "I love you with a faith that make Men strive for Right" and living that passion and joy throughout my life is something that I cannot compromise on.

I have decided that if I cannot do that, if I cannot find that special someone or something, then it would be preferable for me to stay alone for the rest of my life than to risk boredom and mundanity with someone that I can live with, but do not love.

Circle of Cancer

I know more than a few people who would kill me for saying this, but there are lies, and then there are lies.

I was reading a comment that was coming in the other day on my interesting little "Love Will Come to You" post -

imperfect, tragic hero/lovers, fallen so deeply in love with the idea of love, that no human-tainted love can ever be love enough.love, so pure, that anything beyond the most chaste of touches would break its fragile bindings.a pity, that we all live in our own little 'field of knives'.

And wanted to let you know that I thought about you. Somewhere in the middle of the day, you came into my mind, and I wondered where you might be, and what you may be doing. In some way I know this sounds like you.

She let me read some of the Other's emails to her the other day - and the Other sounds so strangely like you, that I mentioned so.

I still remember our promise of Amsterdam, sorely broken. And in that creeping mind of mine, was wondering why I envied her maintaining contact with the Other, whereas I'd just let a chance of mine to truly live slip by. Mij engel, if you are there, can you please leave me a note again, just so that I might know that you still live, and that I have some contact with you still?

I can't believe he's Cancerian!!!

We learn one surprising thing every day. This cracks me up in a way that only Google can do.

#1: Go to www.google.com
#2: Search for "Failure"
#3: Click: I'm Feeling Lucky

A colleague here says, "Hurry before Google fixes it" but somehow I don't think it's a bug. I believe it's a feature.

Discovery at under $14.95!

Singapore wine-lovers take note: The Australian Queen Adelaide 2004 Merlot is an absolute bargain at under $14.95 at any Cold Storage or major supermarket.

It's a gummy, grapey, full of juicy berry merlot. The tender age of the wine makes it an absolute guzzler since it's light and doesn't go down too hard, while being good for parties and the wallet at the same time.

Makes one reminiscent, on an artificially cold (air-conditioned) winter's day, of cheap European import wines.

Love Will Come to You

For a very long time now, since the early months of 1998 (I think that's a long time - 7 years, that...) I've been looking for someone who would fit this song. I think I finally found the person. This one's for nunejr - although she will probably not know why, and when, and how... until perhaps another 7 years later.

It is so apt on so many levels. Partly because now her memories (hers, not mine - too private to share) will surface like many colored dreams in a life that I do not have. And also because this life of mine ultimately wants to thank her for showing me a life, a mind, and a heart that I know I will not otherwise be able to see and experience. Thank one person every day for their existence - because you know everyone else will be blessing their existence for yours.

Indigo Girls - Love Will Come to You

Guess I wasn't the best one to ask
Me myself, with my face pressed up against Love's glass
To see the shiny toy I've been hoping for, the one I never can afford

The wide world spins and spits turmoil
And the nations toil for peace
But the paws of fear upon your chest - only Love can soothe that beast
And my words are paper tigers,
No match for the predator of pain inside her

And I say Love will come to you
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true
As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
Where there's now one, there will be two

I was born under the sign of Cancer
Like brushing cloth, I smooth the wrinkles for an answer
I close my eyes and wish you fine (I'm always closing my eyes, and wishing I'm fine)
Even though I know you're not this time (Even though I'm not this time)

And I say Love will come to you
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true
As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
Where there's now one, there will be two

Dodging your memories, a field of knives
Always on the outside looking in on other's lives

I say Love will come to you
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true
As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
Where there's now one, there will be two

And I wish her insight to battle Love's blindness
Strength from the milk of human kindness
A safe place for all the pieces that shattered
Learn to pretend there's more than Love that matters


It's probably so strange but I know now, in some secret place inside my heart, that this is her song. I just can't figure out who is singing it. Is it me? Or is it the person who lives inside her memories? Somehow, I feel a strange but palpable connection with the Other, there is a bond, there is a sense of deep kindness, and I cannot bring myself to feel either jealous or hatred for the Other. The feeling I feel is the sense of deep love, a kind of love that spans out in the greatness of one's heart for all humanity, the love of the fellow stranger who has once walked down this very same path that I am taking now, whose footsteps has graced the road I now tread. Tread softly, she says, for you tread upon my dreams.

The funny thing is that in some ways, this is a goodbye song. And it has always been. I cannot imagine that perhaps, unknown in ways that nobody can ever understand, it was an act of Love that made her leave, as much as it is was an act of Self. Was she ever great hearted and caring in some aspects? Did she ever hold anyone so dear to her heart that she had ever cut? Would she ever know the image on another's body that she now makes?

I am fascinated by the Other. Almost as though she were a sister (in crime, in passion, in faith) but more than that. I am fascinated how one can come to appreciate so much love, to say the things that I almost said, to love the same person that I now love. I am fascinated so much that I would not take her picture off the wall, because I want to always be constantly reminded that I am living the life she could have almost lived.

I keep thinking one day she will look back and say the same of me.

This conduit, this person, that bonds two total strangers who would not barely meet. Who is she?

I'll have to explain this some other time

But you know the truth is,

I am a Queen of Spades
I am a trapped animal running around in a cage
Despite all my rage
I am the escape artist looking for a con
Allergic to affection
Immune to emotion

Non Sequitur #1: The honey is diabetic, love.
Non Sequitur #2: You know there are pieces of me you will never pick up.
Non Sequitur #3: If I cut and run, would you fall off the end of my tether?

(Remind me to explain this before you freak out.)

Now Playing: Club 8

Love In December

So this is love, in the end of December
Quiet nights, quiet stars
And I'm here, Monday to Sunday
'Cos you're fragile
And I'm weak

So you fall, when the nights grow longer,
Into sleep, and won't wake up

Don't you worry, I'll be there for you
Don't worry about me, you know me better than that
I'll catch you, if you would fall

So you drift, when the days grow colder
Away from me, and won't look back
Far away, and I can't guide you
But I'm here, till the spring

Don't you worry, I'll be there for you
Don't worry about me, you know me better than that
I'll catch you, if you would fall


Somehow for some reason, I am still here. Against all reason, commitment, hope. It is impossible, was impossible, still is impossible. And I am still here. There is an unspoken thing that binds me, a faith that holds me here, a truth that cannot set me free. Don't worry about me.

Experiencialist, not Existentialist!

Halfway through a haze of conversation with an old friend, I realised a fundamental truth that I wanted to affirm:

I am an experiencialist.
I believe that we cannot carry anything through our death that is of value except our memories and experiences.
I believe that good experiences and memories are gifts from friends and family, and that these gifts are of value to the receiver.
As we give and take, our gifts to friends and family are to serve and ensure to the best of our ability that the people around us gain the best experiences and memories as possible from what they see, feel, touch, hear and taste.

It is the gift, not recognition, not prestige that is important. It is watching a smile light up on another's face, a gentle look on the face of a grateful friend, the bliss of a smile upon a well-baked chocolate cake.

I want to keep giving these gifts and receiving and appreciating these gifts to everyone around me.

this weekend

I know most of my friends don't like it when I turn cryptic, but trust me (on the sunscreen). This one is for the road.

Lesson #1 learnt this weekend: Never underestimate the power of things that you say.

I know hangingbymoments has already learnt this lesson on her blog a while back - it's a feature of her writing that comes out quite a bit.

But yes, words have power. Things that you say, things that you ask. It is the only thing that connects us directly with a circumventing channel with a direct red-line access to the heart.

More and more now I believe that maturity is about knowing when to hold your tongue. As much as is knowing the right things to say at the right time, to get a desired result for greater good.

Mixed Signal?

So I was sick of working one day, and still in need of a challenge to the brain, so I decided to take the world greatest fantastical puzzle of all - translating a song in a language that I hardly know. The song that I've chosen to maul this time is one that I rather know - Signal by Hirai Ken - and with a bit of help in romanji by cori, armed with Japanese text input courtesy of Windows XP, and plugging a lot of babelfish into my ear, I attempted to guesswork through the song.

Incidentally, before I start, I wanted to thank AltaVista for coming up with that lovely hike off the Hitchhiker's Guide. It's saved my butt a couple of times in translating a price quote in Korean (I know zilch Korean), expressed Laura Pausini's Italian lyrics in a way I couldn't have ever fathomed, and from a lot of embarassment on IM when I came across a French word I wasn't too familiar with.

So here goes... (my best guess at what dear Ken was trying to sing) Yuta, Yuteki, Katsu, Miyu, Akiko... anyone, if you are reading this, please don't laugh at my translation. Rather, send me your interpretation (with understanding!) instead!! Oh, and if I am pretty close (at least if I didn't get anything laughably wrong, please let me know too!)


Signal - Hirai Ken

ぎこちない指先で
君わ煙草お口にして
くすぶった気持ちを
無理に吸い込んでわ
溜め息まじりに吐き出す

With clumsy fingertips
Remembering your tobacco,
I suck in the feeling that smoulders unreasonably
And breathe it out with a sigh

言葉にすればすべてが
二度と戻らないきがして
黙り込んだ僕に
君わ呪文の様に
ごめん絵と繰り返すだけ

If only I could express everything,
And go back to doing what I know we cannot return to (?)
I would clam up, like your spell
It would just be the scene that plays itself back.

One More Time 抱きしめて
One More Chance そばにいて
One More Smile 微笑みで僕を満たして　　
One More Time 火を点けて
One More Chance もう一度
One More Kiss くちびるを重ねて

One More Time, holding you close
One More Chance, being inside
One More Smile, fill me up with your smile
One More Time, with your spark
One More Chance, once more
One More Kiss, pressing against your lips

求めれば求めるほど
愛わ遠のいてくもの
綺麗な横顔が
思い出ひきがねに
涙で歪むその前に

If I seek, I can measure
The extent to how far I go to find Love
It is a clean slate, don't you think?
Until memory pulls it and it is blurred with my tears.

One More Time 僕を見て
One More Chance ここにいて
One More Smile あの頃の二人を返しいて　　
One More Time 火を点けて
One More Chance もう一度
One More Kiss くちびるを濡らして

One More Time, look at me
One More Chance, being here
One More Smile, returning to the couple that we were
One More Time, with your spark
One More Chance, once more
One More Kiss, soaking up your lips

さよならのにおいだけを
残して立ち会った背中が
見えなくなる前に早く
今追いかけて
この手を伸ばして...

Goodbye, your scent is left
Before your back which is now here disappears fast
I'm now chasing you, to extend my hand...

(This is actually really in English)
One More Time
Baby I don't wanna let you go
One More Chance
It's only you, will always be with me
I could never say goodbye to the days we spent
Oh baby stay with me
One more time, time, time we spent
One more chance, chance, chance with me
One more kiss, kiss, kiss I want
Oh let me look at you...

孤单北半球 The Lonely Northern Hemisphere

This song's been a pop favourite in the scene for a while now. I first came across how cute the lyrics were when at a karaoke session with the team. So I've decided to translate it for future use (when I'm one day once more talking to friends in Australia or Brazil...)

Miraculously, I managed to translate this song without external help.

欧得洋 - 孤单北半球

用我的晚安陪你吃早餐 My "goodnight"s accompany your breakfast
记得把想念存进扑满 Remembering to save my fond sentiments into a piggy bank
我望着满天星在闪听牛郎对织女说要勇敢 I look at the night sky and remember the cowherd telling the weaver maid to be brave

别怕我们在地球的两端 Don't worry that we are at the two ends of the earth
看我的问候骑着魔毯 Look at my greetings riding a magic blanket
飞用光速飞到你面前 Flying at the speed of light to be in front of you
要你能看到十字星有北极星作伴 So that you can see the Southern Cross accompanied by the Northern star

少了我的手臂当枕头你习不习惯 Are you used to my shoulder not being your pillow?
你的望远望不到我北半球的孤单 Your far sight cannot spy upon the loneliness of my northern hemisphere
太平洋的潮水跟着地球来回旋转 The waves of the Pacific Ocean moves with the earth's rotation
我会耐心地等随时欢迎你靠岸 I will be patient, ready to welcome you to my shores
少了我的怀抱当暖炉你习不习惯 Are you used to being without my hugs?
e给你照片看不到我北半球的孤单 Though email photos cannot show you my loneliness in the northern hemisphere
世界再大两颗真心就能互相取暖 No matter how big the world is, two dedicated hearts will share our warmth
想念不会偷懒我的梦通通给你保管 My sentiments are never lazy, all my dreams are sent to you for safekeeping.

Morse: Draft Une

Another song I just came up with this morning. This is rather out of character for me (songs, not poetry) but at the same time, I keep wondering if this was not previously aching to come out.

Morse

Conversation ebbs in my ear
I listen in to your occasional silence, while
The coffeepot drips in the kitchen.
Hungry for that last morsel of your revelation.
Do you know that you smile when you falter?
Do you think that as you drift away your silence lingers...

We are speaking in a morsel of a morse code
The starts and stops, the drips and drabs
I await the things you don't say
Say
Say it to me, now.
Say
Say it to me, now.

As your hand brushes my shoulder
I think back to the times that we spent in the sun.
You wait for me to finish your sentence.
I lean back and my world is filled with your fragrance.
You say much more when you're not speaking
You hear much more when you are expressing who you are...

We are speaking in a morsel of a morse code
The starts and stops, the drips and drabs
I await the things you don't say
Say
Say it to me, now.
Say
Say it to me, now.

*bridge*

When you say it to me now.

Where am I exactly?

Was talking about drinking buddies with a friend last Friday evening over a round of drinks and the question popped up that she asked me, "So, who are your friends?" It's an OK enough question, except that looking back, I didn't think I had a good answer for her. Or at least one that was good enough for myself anyway.

The sad truth is that, probably as a result of the past 5-6 odd years, I have been hanging out in ever-changing circles, most of which have very little connection with each other. People whom I consider friends end up being the rare few persistent people that I manage to keep in contact with, and whom I have been persistent enough to attempt to establish and re-establish contact with every time I find myself in the same place that they are. But I have found few friends who are able to relate to the whole gamut of places and people that is the mess I call my life.

She summarized this (as now I know she is won't to do) very succinctly and matter-of-factly, as "you mean all your friends are all in different countries?"

Well... yes, and no. Physically, they are all travelling to different places. But intellectually, there will not be anyone else but me who have travelled to all the exact same places that I have been to, and shared smiles with all the exact same people that I have met. There will not be a single person except myself who would have mirrored those exact same steps that I have taken, and similarly, I have not been able to be a friend to anyone by growing up with them, watching them through all the steps they have taken in their lives, and being with them in the same place at the same time all the way. In that moment I realised that, looking back at my life, my relationships (and not just friendships) have been a sequence of long, and long-distance relationships.

The people that I have come to become close to are not exactly always the people I have come to promise to stay friends with. In "The Sunscreen Song", there is a line that goes, "Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young." Good advice in time and place.

Is this a choice that I have just come to make inadvertently? Perhaps. I do know however that there is no going back when it comes to this life decision.

So where am I exactly? When I think about where I most call 'home', ironically it would be a 43% chance that I would call it the place that I am in currently. Most possibly I would miss the bicycle rides to the Museum of Modern Art, tram rides from Queen Vic market with a bunch of bananas and a backpack of groceries for the week. I would miss lounging in the sun with a latte in one hand, book in the other, leaning against the shoulder of a someone-who-was-never-there. I would miss the gentle cold in the winters, clubbing at Salt until 4am in the morning, walks along the Yarra river, the nostalgia of finding a childhood candy at the Chinese provision shop. Would I ever be able to call that home? Maybe. With 47% certainty. But would that missing 10% made up of the many other places still bug me when I wake up in the middle of the night? Yes. Oh, hell, Yes.

思いがかさなるその前に... translated

I know enuwy would love this song! And I guess this reminds me of something in my past, as it's meant to be. I think at some point, I was so fortunate to have found a friend who sat next to me on the lawn and shared this moment with me. We looked ahead into the future, mindful of the God of Fortune with his hair only in front, never realizing that we were on the brink of Change until we were over the edge...

Before the Sentiments (Thoughts, Memories) Pile Up...
Hey, I wonder if you're next to me thinking about that type of thing
Grab hold of my hand tightly before those thoughts build up

Even if there's sad rain in the blue sky
That is reflected in your eyes
In times like that, I just remember
That today we laughed
When I look at you with your shoulders slumped
The one who is taken away is me
Sometimes I just don't understand
But I'm saved
You can grasp a rainbow in the palm of your hand
Let's go and search for
La, la, la, your song

Hey, I wonder if some day you will forget all about me?
When that happens, I wonder if I'll be able to really smile as I wave my hand to you?
Hey, I wonder if you're next to me thinking about that type of thing
Grab hold of my hand tightly before those thoughts build up

No matter who I'm with, I'm completely alone
Sometimes I bite my lip
I come back to this place again
Let's look up to the same sky, without saying anything

Tears and wounds become my treasures
I'll go and sing
La, la, la a song only to you
Hey, I wonder if some day you will forget all about your dreams?
When that happens, I wonder if we'll be able to face one another without averting our eyes?
Hey, I wonder what I can do for you like this?
They're just thoughts that aren't put into words, grab hold of my hand tightly
Grab hold of my hand tightly

思いがかさなるその前に...
ねぇ　そんな事を隣でキミも思ったりするのかな
思いが重なるその前に強く手を握ろう

君の目に映る青空が
悲しみの雨に滲んでも
そんな時は思い出して
笑い合えた今日の日を
肩を落とす君を見る度に
連れ出すのは僕の方なのに
時々わからなくなるよ
僕が救われてるんだ
その掌は虹も掴めるさ
キミだけの歌を
ラララ探しに行こう

ねぇ　いつかキミは僕のことを忘れてしまうのかな
その時はキミに手を振ってちゃんと笑ってられるかな
ねぇ　そんな事を隣でキミも思ったりするのかな
思いが重なるその前に強く手を握ろう

誰といても一人ぼっち
唇噛み締める時には
またここにきて同じ空を
何も言わずに見上げよう

涙も傷も宝物になる
キミだけに歌を
ラララ歌って行こう
ねぇ　いつかキミは君の夢を忘れてしまうのかな
その時は瞳逸らさずにキミと向き合えるのかな
ねぇ　こんな僕はキミの為に何ができるのかな
言葉にならない思いだけ強く手を握ろう
強く手を握ろう

瞳をとじて Translated

友文 will probably appreciate this, although I haven't passed her the album yet. I found 瞳をとじて (read: Hitomi wo Tojite) Close Your Eyes translated on the net by the kind soul linked here. Obviously my Japanese isn't good enough to start with translations, but with the Net and enough Babelfish, you get by. This song is everything a sweet Japanese song should be.

Close Your Eyes
When I wake up in the morning, your cast-off skin is beside me
I felt your warmth, but my back is always cold
Letting go of my bitter smile, I'll open the heavy curtains
The morning sun is too bright, you followed it with me every day

That day you showed me your tear-stained face
The setting sun shined on your tears and the warmth of your shoulder
When I want them to disappear
My heart and body remember you

Your love forever
Closing my eyes, I draw you to myself, and that's all
Even if the seasons leave my heart behind

Will I grow to feel nothing for you someday, I wonder?
Embracing the pain now, I wonder if it's alright that I haven't slept?
The starry sky that we saw that night I wish on it, even though the light that we both searched for
Twinkled out
My heart and body shine in you

I wish forever
Closing my eyes, I draw you to myself, that's all I can do
Even if the world leaves me behind and passes me by

Your love forever
Closing my eyes, I draw you to myself, and that's all
Even if the seasons leave me behind with their changed colors

I search for you in my memories, and that's all
Because you gave me the strength to get past the things that I've lost
Because you gave it to me

瞳をとじて

朝目覚める度に　君の抜け殻が横にいる
ぬくもりを感じた　いつもの背中が冷たい
苦笑いをやめて　重いカーテンを開けよう
眩しすぎる朝日　僕と毎日の追いかけっこだ

あの日　見せた泣き顔
涙照らす夕陽　肩のぬくもり
消し去ろうと願う度に
心が　体が　君を覚えている

Your love forever
瞳を閉じて　君を描くよ　それだけでいい
たとえ季節が　僕の心を　置き去りにしても

いつかは君のこと　なにも感じなくなるのかな
今の痛み抱いて　眠る方がまだ　いいかな
あの日　見てた星空
願いかけて　二人探した光は
瞬く間に消えてくのに
心は　体は　君で輝いてる

I wish forever
瞳をとじて　君を描くよ　それしか出来ない
たとえ世界が　僕を残して　過ぎ去ろうとしても

Your love forever
瞳をとじて　君を描くよ　それだけでいい
たとえ季節が　僕を残して　色を変えようとも
記憶の中に君を探すよ　それだけでいい
なくしたものを　越える強さを　君がくれたから
君がくれたから

The now new sound "One More Time..."

Recently been listening a lot to Signal, the pop/house new sound in (Hirai Ken) 平井堅's new album, Sentimental Lovers. I like how he's progressing. Although I've had the album for quite a while, it's always refreshing to hear it again and discover a new song to like, since it's a different sound and a different vibe each time I hear it.

I used to be so in love with 思いがかさなるその前に... (Before the Sentiments Pile Up) read: omoi ga kasanaru sono mae ni and now it's Signal. I'm still trying to find the lyrics. From the little I can hear, it's about a guy asking a girl for a sign if it's all over, or if they can have one more try. (I may be totally off on this one...)

Overall it's been such a sentimental album, piled high with emotive lyrics and melody. Not only, two dance tracks that are pop/house mixes stand out and are grooovy: Track 2 - Jealousy, Track 4 - 君が僕に憑依した!! (You Possessed Me!!) and Track 8 - Signal. Essentially, this is an album that you can groove to and keep upbeat, while bouncing through the tedium of the day.

Overall Rating: Major はい!! But then again, I think you know that already!

Hanging by Moments

Went by the blog of an old friend today. I haven't seen her for ages, since I'd graduated, perhaps even before. We were one of those supposed-to-meet, supposed-to-happen, supposed-to-pass-things-to, which just never happened.

I'm amazed that she's still there. In a different form, more musing, more thoughtful, sadder, sometimes gladder, always as usual living her life on the edge like I admire her for. Her blog's title's changed, but I'm impressed that she's still there. In a world where people have come and gone, in a world where I had never expected her to stay, in a world filled with vignettes and vagaries, transient dreams and uncertainties, she is still there.

As is my part to be the silent waiter that does not speak, I cherish her thoughts:

the worst state of mind one can be in
is simply withholding the memory of the future

She's always been artistic, although in a way that I usually only half related to. The thought I had was that she had thoughts that were, at a glance, both deep and cliche at the same time. I had initially imagined that she said words that meant common truths in different ways.

But when I saw the phrase I was struck. Two simultaneous thoughts crossing my mind: the first, how far have I gone into the shallow that I no longer understand the words of friends? the second, what on earth does she mean?

In the vague recollections of my past, I understand only one thing. To remember the future... is to Hope.

Is addiction to pain a product of positivity?

I wish I had people to have such conversations with. I'm not even sure if I'm being (choose one) positive-thinking/fatalistic/optimistic/pessimistic/none of the above, but I realise that amidst all the bad (not exactly horrible) things that happen to me, I feel the pain of things happening to me because they are lessons to learn from. In each of them it seems like there is a latent realisation hidden within, an epiphany that is waiting to be discovered, a breakthrough so amazing in its teachings that all pain is forgotten and the trouble and stress that was waiting becomes only the sweat and toil of hard work waiting to release its reward.

I don't know when I'd started having this view on the bad things that happen to me. It seems like there have been many not-very-nice things happening to me, yet everything that has happened feels purposeful, almost as though (but I won't go so far to say it) that there was a hidden hand at work instructing me on what to do. That small voice has come back, and come back with a vengeance it has.

Last night I mused over the many things that had happened to me, teaching and talking to myself over so many words, vocalizing the realisations that was happening inside my head. They are things that I'd like to share, that encapsulate the magic existent in people, waiting to be discovered. By no means am I feeling that I am in love with the world (though sometimes I am) and yet at the same time, the world feels like an old friend - one at which I am sometimes annoyed by its habits, but yet like to feel strangely familiar with.

Key Lessons:

1. Fear is a paralysing, destructive force. In the first book of Conversations with God, God tells Man that the only thing that is "bad" is Fear and Guilt. Both forces are the destructive forces of the world, that tears apart positive things, leading to a trail and vicious cycle of negativity, of sin. I used to think this was a metaphysical "The Force" type of BS, the "Fear leads to Anger... Anger leads to Hate... Hate leads to Suffering" type of phrase, but over recent months I've realised both the liberating feeling of no longer being afraid, and also the paralysing negation of Self that Fear leads towards. Paralysis of Analysis stems from the paralysis of Fear. It is the silent killer that traps one's thought in the confines of a small-minded box.
2. The people you love to hate are most likely the best people to learn from. OK, this has to be taken with a pinch of salt. There are some people that everyone loves to hate, with whom it can be extremely difficult, if not impossible to find something to learn from. However, I believe that people come together (or come into conflict) because of fundamental opposites in their personalities which should be the very reason why they come together in conflict at each other's blind spots. In short, I'd like to believe that conflict is born out of two blind spots colliding, leading to an inability to see each other's point of view. I start to ask myself, is there something here that I cannot see? With each scolding, with each chide, each conflict and argument, I learn something new about the way I see things and realise that the other party is not "wrong", my viewpoint was narrow. And with that mindset I've practically forced upon myself, my questions start taking humility and grace, and the lessons I learn from asking humble questions become even more valuable than ever. "Am I doing something wrong?" becomes less confrontational when asked with a measure of sincerity.
3. Nobody can make you afraid except yourself. You choose when to fear and when not to fear. Ironically, the power of Fear stems from within. Nobody can make you afraid except yourself. That realisation alone is probably the most liberating thought anyone can think of when it comes to Fear. You choose Fear. Sometimes it's good to feel Fear, like it is good to feel pain. It is a measure of when something is going wrong, either internally or externally, when you should be cautious and worried, and take precautions to protect or defend yourself. If in those circumstances you feel Fear, Fear is the whip behind the back of a horse in danger. But sometimes, we fear for fear itself. And we always have the choice of when.

I'm penning this down for future memory. I'm pretty sure I'm going to come back one day (probably soon) and look at this and say, "Good god, that's the most cheesy piece of dilectic anyone can ever give." But until then, I'm penning this down here because I know there's also the possibility that I'll come back, look at it, give it a read and think, "Good god, I needed that."

A Sorta Fairytale

Latest music obsession - chasing after past music, looking for the songs that I missed out, finding the beauty in the things I used to like a lot.

D- recently just got my Neil Gaiman books signed. All... what was it, 7 books I think, 6 first editions of The Sandman graphic novels, including I think what are my 6 most favourite: The Season of Mists, A Game of You, Preludes and Nocturnes, Dream Country, The Doll's House, Fables & Reflections and the 7th being Mr Punch.

And my thoughts are the quiet kind of thrill that I get - the kind that sneaks up to you in the middle of the day and you smile silently to yourself, but otherwise show no expression on your face.

It kind of reminds me of the song I'm currently listening to - A Sorta Fairytale, from the album Scarlet's Walk by Tori Amos, which traces Scarlet's (aka Tori Amos's) travels across the entire US of A, as she charts her way with a song in each leg of the journey. Some songs take longer and farther than others.

A Sorta Fairytale was written along the trip across California, down the 101, which she writes about in the song. It's such an open road, driving sort of song. Taking the classic convertible, silk scarf in one hand, driving down miles and miles of straight and open desert freeway down to Los Angeles. I think it's the same sort of the journey I used to take, driving south along the 101, open road, flying hair, tapping fingers, a heart screaming freedom. When I close my eyes and listen to A Sorta Fairytale, I can almost believe that I'm right there again.

And then you reach Los Angeles, and you find that what you're looking for wasn't really to be found in L.A. you travel through the journey with an open heart, brimming with anticipation, you stop only at gas stations and Wendy's fast food outlets in the middle of nowhere. But you arrive in a city that's nothing like you'd hoped for. There are no angels in the city of angels, my dearest. I should have written you to tell you, that the only thing I remember about that lovely city was listening to Sheryl Crow in my mind and seeing "Help Me" written in mirror image appear on my bathroom mirror.

More significantly, I think it was what had become of a dream I once held close to my heart, driving from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Tori sings, "things you said that day, up on the 101. the girl had come undone, I tried to downplay it with a bet about us. You said that - You'd take it as long as I could, I could not erase it"

Scarlet's bio writes: A SORTA FAIRYTALE finds Scarlet back in LA with a man she has convinced herself is her life's soul mate. "They take the big trip in the classic car up the Pacific Coast highway and across the desert. But as they go on, the masks drop away and they discover the fantasy they have of each other isn't who they really are." They end up back where they started and Scarlet leaves. "They did care. But somehow they lost each other. Which is why it's only A Sorta Fairytale..."

Very recently, I'd travelled very far to close my sorta fairytale. I think it did turn out OK - although I never did find the words to reply to closure, I'd left it hanging for the day I think I'll find the spirit to write back.

Was Ferran Adria using a Biochemical Engineering technique, or was he just cooking?

Every day, I think, I have this mind-blowing moment of realization. It's a kind of shock that you get at trying to grasp something so mind-blowingly innovative that you teeter on the verge of the realization that there are people out there, that you may not know of, who are innovating things so far-out exciting this very moment even as we speak, that you may get to hear about maybe a few months or a few years later. We live in very exciting times, and this is what gets me up every morning.

Today's is definitely the discovery of an experiment written by a scientist in the Chemical Engineering department in the University of Maryland called "Enzyme Entrapment in Alginate Gel" which Drazick of Draz's Kitchen came across and showed me. The shocking thing is... the scientific procedure outlined in the experiment to entrap any enzyme in alginate gel is almost the exact same procedure carried out by Ferran Adria when making mango and apple caviar.

I cannot nearly articulate how mind-blowing this realization is. Either to attempt to understand how serious Ferran Adria is about his experiments into pushing the boundaries of possibility with fine dining and cooking - even down to the very definition of cooking - or being amazed at how an experiment conducted in a lab so many thousands of miles away from Spain can be used in an application probably unimagined by the inventor.

Either way, it reaffirms that the things we do are never truly and completely ignored or forgotten. Whether Ferran Adria (more to follow about this new cool guy in my life) had read the experiment and subsequently decided on its application to making mock caviar, or he had come upon the technique by himself in his own experiments in his food laboratory is irrelevant. The truth is that our little discoveries accumulate in small victories to become the culminating successes of our individual lives.

(Did I just go really way over the top in that post?)

The New Cook

The New Cook
Originally uploaded by articnomad.

[Flickr post by articnomad] that I happened to stumble across. A cute, innovative macro take at a view most people take for granted. I love this one so much because it's so ordinary, yet it really made me look at my microwave all over again in a different light (which is quite difficult - I hate microwaves).

A Yuzu by any other name...

I'm in love with the yuzu (ユズ, 柚, 柚子). One of the most distinctly Japanese of fruits, it is commonly grown in Japan and used in much of Japanese cooking (teas, flavoured shoyu, garnishes on food, salad dressing, as traditional perfume, as a bath during winter etc.)

Yuzu is a fruit associated with winter (to bear in mind when/if writing haikus*: yuzu on the ground/the snow is falling fast, and/i mull over tea.) and has also soothing and medicinal properties for colds and flus (one reason probably on its popularity in winter). The peel, juice and pulp are all used to make drink/food.

Anyway, getting to the seed of the matter: I came back from Tokyo recently raving about Yuzu only to be asked multiple times on what yuzu is. Not knowing the equivalent English translation of yuzu (and convinced that there wasn't one), I described as, "A Japanese citrusy fruit that tastes zingy, kind of like a Mandarin orange but not really exactly a Mandarin orange, and you make it into drinks, flavour all kinds of foods, even perfume... (giving up) it's just Yuzu LA!" Obviously friends assumed that what I meant to say was "Mandarin orange" and continued to pester me to prove my case, or improve my description.

It was not only until the famous, trusted worldwide and accepted in over 140 countries internationally Wikipedia came to my rescue today. Yuzu is a different species of citrus (Citrus aurantium, formerly C. junos) than the Mandarin orange (Citrus reticulata) although it has (and I quoth) "overtones of Mandarin orange but it is rarely eaten as a fruit".

So, I hate to say this but I love being proven right (and proven also to be an anal-retentive, detailed-oriented b***h armed with a photographic memory). But Wikipedia really does have a very comprehensive (tic) analysis of Yuzu vs. Mandarin Orange to check out. I'm also armed with a huge bottle of yuzu jam that some swear to taste like marmalade.

I leave Japan of course with a highly ratified view that the country like their fruit, language and people, is distinctly unique, full of richness, flavour and sensitivity, and possessing so delicate a sense of balance and taste it is unsurpassed by many other cultures in the world.

-------
I have also discovered by accident that if deprived of yuzu in Europe and Singapore, Bunalun's Vodka Lime Marmalade tastes (even dissolved in water as a drink) remarkably like yuzu - and, if consumed in adequate proportions, may even give you a certain buzz that yuzu alone may not provide...


* Side note on haikus: it is a rule that haikus must contain an indication of the seasons, eg: yuzus in the winter, frogs on ponds in spring, rainy seasons in summer, falling leaves in autumn... that type of thing.

I'm making savoury mini muffins this weekend!

Inspired by Ferran Adria in trying out new things with old ideas, I'm going to attempt a recipe at making savoury mini muffins in the style of tako-yaki (Japanese octopus balls). I reckon that since both recipes involve enclosing a strong tasting, chewy savoury meat with a flour mixture, and both are "baked" to some extent, the recipes would only require a slight modification to work.

Here's the recipe I'm going to try:-

Basic Muffin Mixture:

I'll probably end up using the BBC Good Food Guide's Savoury Muffin recipe, but took this recipe as a sample proportion for savoury muffins.

The typical Muffin Mixture reads something like the following (generic muffin recipe):-

10 oz (275 g) plain flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
2 large eggs
8 fl oz (225 ml) milk
a little butter for greasing
1 teaspoon sea salt

I'm going to make the following modifications:-
Instead of using the whole 225 ml of milk, the batter for the muffin mixture is going to include some cooled dashi stock (which is what goes into the batter for tako-yaki to give the batter that savoury tako taste). I think I'll end up using the following proportions to retain the creaminess of the milk - 125 ml dashi broth (consistency must be similar to milk) + 100 ml milk = 225 ml fluid into the batter. I may also think about melting/dissolving a bit of powdered bonito flakes into water and use it as a substitute of the dashi stock. Draz has also suggested a few drops of balsamic vinegar into the butter before the mix-in.

The BBC Good Food Guide's muffin recipe also called for melted butter to be added to the muffin mix to give that cakey feel - so since butter is savoury and creamy, I'll probably still go with adding butter as well.

The real challenge is actually in what's *inside* the muffin, since you need both tako (the easy part) and a soft center of creamy mayonnaise (the tricky part) which half melts into the batter mixture. Here's how the tako portion is going to look:

Tako (Octopus) Filling with Japanese Mayonnaise

200g boiled octopus (tentacles are better) - cut to little bits and pieces. Several suggestions here, we don't want the tako to sink to the bottom of the muffin, at the same time, we want to retain the bite of the tako.

Suggestions include: A) finely chopped tako (may lose bite); B) thin long strips of tako (has bite but may sink?); C) finely sliced and wide tako (may not have bite, potentially loads of trouble but you know it will definitely float and not sink in the muffin mix); D) the usual chopped up tako (will sink, but may taste good if it's big)

Japanese Mayonnaise. Again, many suggestions for incorporating soft cream Mayonnaise into puffy muffin mixture. Award-winning, Ferran-Adria-ish suggestion is to inject soft mayo into puffy muffin with a syringe. I love this idea, and it will definitely work, except that A) I'm making many mini bite-sized muffins which will disappear in a bite; and B) taking a syringe to it is really just too much trouble. Plus I need to get a syringe.

It will however work, because the muffin is so aerated that you won't notice a needle going in to inject much needed cream into the muffin (kind of like a reverse liposuction exercise). Come to think of it, that would probably qualify in gross-factor as point #C.

Other suggestions for Japanese mayonnaise incorporation include: Freezing (will not work as oil in the mayo will not freeze) and possibly, (much easier too!) just mixing it into the damn batter to have a cheesey layer. I could also think of using parmesan or mozzarella solid cheese in place of the Japanese mayo, but wonder about the shoyu taste required (hmm... maybe I can put a few teaspoons into shoyu into the batter and use light solid cheese.)

Anyway, I will try it out and let you know how it goes. There's also movements to have an experimental cooking workshop this weekend, and/or a 5 course Adria-inspired meal going on this week, so I hope I really have time to do my muffins.

Fans made the 24 CTU Ringtone is available for free!

Probably one of the most comprehensive 24 fan-sites around (these 24 fans like their databases neat, tidy and complete!) they have finally broken the sound barrier and made the CTU office phone ringtone from 24 available for free in .mp3, .mid and .wav formats! It's very good quality, and I've been using it on my phone for quite a while now - always the temptation to answer, "This is Bauer!" at the first ring though.

Incidentally, a bit about the technology used by the Los Angeles Counter-Terrorist Unit (CTU) as seen on 24 (since I'm *such* a geek!):

Computers: Hewlett Packard desktops and Apple Powerbook laptops
Office Phones: Nortel Digital Phones. I've been in an office that use Nortel digital phones, and the CTU ringtone used is actually a real, in-built ringtone provided by Nortel on some of their digital phone models.
Office Chairs: Dexler ergonomic office chairs, high-back model in blue, used in the meeting rooms and board room. Each chair cost more than $1,000 US dollars (my office has a few in black). [At least we know they care about analysts having backaches by spending more than 24 hours at a go in the office!]

遇見 by 孫燕姿

Ting Dong's actually got a great translation, hanyu pinyin and chinese character full posting of this song, which I've linked to. I'm still going to work with my own translation, at least with my own infused interpretation, since the lyrics in Chinese can't all be expressed easily in English.

To me, this song is so much about anticipation, waiting for something to happen and not knowing when things will fall into place. It's something I'm feeling so much now, this combination of anticipation, looking up in hope, and being somewhat tired by the way things are now. As always, things never happen when I want them to.

(This song was actually sent to me by Katsu, who doesn't speak much Chinese, and I had to actually run around trying to identify it to find out what song it was - for shame!)

遇見 by 孫燕姿

聽見　冬天的離開
I hear winter leaving
我在某年某月醒過來
I wake in some year, some month
我想　我等　我期待
I think, I wait, and hope
未來卻不能因此安排
Yet the future cannot be planned like this.

陰天　傍晚　車窗外
A cloudy evening outside the car window
未來有一個人在等待
There is someone waiting in my future
向左　向右　向前看
I look left, right and ahead
愛要拐幾個彎才來
How many turns must Love take to arrive?

我遇見誰　會有怎樣的對白
What kind of conversations will I have with the one I'm meeting?
我等的人　他在多遠的未來
The one I'm waiting for, how distant in the future is he?
我聽見風　來自地鐵和人海
I hear the wind rising from the subways and the crowds
我排著隊　拿著愛的號碼牌
And wait in line, holding Love's ticket's number.

我往前飛　飛過一片時間海
Flying forward, towards a sea of time
我們也常在愛情裡受傷害
We are so often hurt by romance anyway
我看著路　夢的入口有點窄
Love has such a narrow entrance in the road before me
我遇見你是最美麗的意外
That I had met you has been the most beautiful accident.

終有一天　我的謎底會解開
There will finally be a day when my riddle will be solved.

Taking up the Musical Baton

Finally taking up the musical baton meme from enuwy who has probably tried throwing me the stick a long time ago...

Total Volume of Music files on my computer: 38.18 GB (Shameless, yes I know. I decided not to count the music videos I had on my hard drive, since that'll skew the metric. And yes, I *am* having a storage problem at the moment. How unsurprising...)

The Last CD I bought was: Sentimental Lovers by Hirai Ken (Purchased together with the LIFE is and Gaining Through Losing albums by Hirai Ken.)

Song playing right now: 遇見 by 孫燕姿 (Translations on this in the follow-up post)

5 songs I listen to a lot or that mean alot to me: (I think this list changes too often to be helpful. Audioscrobbler would be better at telling me what I listen to a lot I think...)

1. 遇見 by 孫燕姿 (mean a lot to me)
2. LIFE is... by Hirai Ken (listen to a lot)
3. Sleeps with Butterflies by Tori Amos (mean a lot to me)
4. Martha's Foolish Ginger by Tori Amos (listen to a lot)
5. Iris by Goo Goo Dolls (mean a lot to me)

5 People I'm passing the baton to: (Unfortunately, none of them blog often, so I think I'm a bit of a chain mail dead-end.)

1. Fe
2. Katsu
3. Alf
4. David
5. James

How do People See Me?

Good god... as if being detail-oriented isn't enough? The picture kinda looks like me too (grief...) Is it too much to ask for people to understand that deep down inside there is a fire that burns brightly and passionately (gag gag) and it's just because I have too many sensibilities holding me back?

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How Do People See You?

Personality Test

I just did the MBTI (Myers-Briggs Temperament Indicator) test a while ago for work (so it's official) and disturbingly enough, they didn't immediately give me the results like I'm used to. The facilitator to whom the results have been posted will be discussing it during the Shanghai off-site in about two weeks' time. So meanwhile I'm here twiddling my thumbs and shifting in my seat - I hate waiting for results of any kind.

To avoid doing that, I came across yet another one of those MBTI lookalikes online, and decided to go with it again to take a measure check of how I'd do. Usually I'm quite consistent, and it seems here that I've 5 possibilities of what my results will look like - I'd be quite surprised if it comes back with something else (like for example that I'm an I instead of an E).

Your #1 Match: ENTJ

The Executive You are a natural leader - with confidence and strength that inspires others.Driven to succeed, you are always looking for ways to gain, power, knowledge, and expertise.Sometimes you aren't the most considerate person, especially to those who are a bit slow.You are not easily intimidated - and you have a commanding, awe-inspiring presence. You would make a great CEO, entrepreneur, or consultant.

Your #2 Match: ENFJ

The Giver You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed.Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections.Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down.You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine. You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

Your #3 Match: ENTP

The Visionary You are charming, outgoing, friendly. You make a good first impression.You possess good negotiating skills and can convince anyone of anything.Happy to be the center of attention, you love to tell stories and show off.You're very clever, but not disciplined enough to do well in structured environments. You would make a great entrpreneur, marketing executive, or actor.

Your #4 Match: ESTJ

The Guardian You're a natural leader and quick, logical decision maker.Goals are important in your life, and you take many steps to acheive them.You enjoy interacting with others, mostly through work related activities.Your high energy level means you are great at getting things done! You would make a great teacher, judge, or police detective.

Your #5 Match: ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller! You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

What's" Your Personality Type?

Unfortunately only available in America

Little Luxuries #1
Originally uploaded by metaphoric.

Bath and Body Works has the uncannily (I suspect deliberately) poor supply chain distribution system that Victoria's Secret and Abercrombie & Fitch has which limits their products to only certain states within America, and even so, not anywhere else outside of the country. One of the nicest things I miss about Telegraph Street and a 10 minute walk down the hill is this fabulously light and citrusy body lotion.

The stuff that surrounds you

Little Luxuries #2
Originally uploaded by metaphoric.

I was standing in the middle of a crowded city square the other day when a strangely familiar scent wafted up my nose. It was exactly this, in strong scented undertones coming from the woman standing a few feet in front of me. I've been showering with Shokubutsu religiously ever since I stumbled across the stuff in the very nice bathroom of a friend's designer home.

Life's Little Luxuries

Little Luxuries #3
Originally uploaded by metaphoric.

The things I shamelessly cannot live without. This is the wonderful (and cheap!) apricot scrub that I was raving so much about.

Beauty Magazines Only Make You Feel Ugly

I'd used a particular facial scrub made with natural apricot (S$7.50 from Watson's) when I was 13 and used to think that my skin was in such good condition only because I was young (natural elastins in the skin, youth still prim and in spring, age hasn't crept in, no pimples miraculously until 17 due to lack of stress etc. etc.) and gradually, through the subliminal but unfortunately persistent in-roads that beauty magazines and advertisements for expensive cosmetics have, migrated myself over to branded cosmetics and beauty products like Estee Lauder, Clinique, Lancome and Biotherm. Only to find the results surprisingly disappointing. My skin rashed to Biotherm, broke out into pimples with Clinique, greased up with Estee Lauder and had no reaction (cleanliness or otherwise) whatsoever to Lancome.

Sick of it all, I dumped my Harper's Bazaar and did the skin test. Washed my face yesterday (normal day and all) with Clinique Extra Mild Soap bar and did the toner thing to close my pores and wash off exceed invisible "dirt" on the skin. The result was that I had to use 4-5 cotton pads and cleaned my face twice over to get the cotton pad and toner liquid coming off absolutely clean. I tried the same thing again (normal day after work) after washing my face with St Ives's Invigorating Apricot Scrub (what I used to use when I was 13) and the first sweep of my face with the toner came out clean! Good grief, was that because there were scrub beads present? Somehow, the creamy texture of the scrub, coupled with the gentle, natural scrub beads just seemed so stabilizing compared to the astringent packed stuff that usually comes in today's combat-your-oil-by-sucking-it-out-with-alcohol face cleansers.

My conclusion (and this is not an ad): so often than not, it's the cheap, reliable, boring, mom's recommended type of things you find out when you were young that sticks with you best throughout your life. More so than the expensive, fluffy, pretentious schticks that ad themselves throughout your consciousness. I'd hated to come to this conclusion after 24 bloddy years of living. But the sad truth horribly - beauty magazines really do make you feel ugly.

Life in the Macro: Snapshots of the Ordinary Life

This is the miniscule, the trivial, the little things which irk you and please you. The details of a life most ordinary if left unseen, unheard, unkept, silent. Sometimes the random collage of the habits of the ordinary life will make up the life in the macro if you let it.

These are pictures in the life of a girl who put on a different pair of lenses one day and started seeing beauty in the ordinary things: habits, laundry lists, shopping carts and mp3s. She's realised that the only things unique about the Mrs Dalloway life are exactly the quirks and the flowers she buys.

thegirl's grown up now, into practicalism and ideal realism.